somewhere in the middle 7

…it was time
because dragging out the day made it worse
i couldn’t paint ceilings anymore
or start fires
or catch falling clouds
it was time
because dragging out the day made it worse
so i stood
and you noticed something seemed off
so you sat upright
thought better and leaned into the couch
needed something to hold the puddle of tears you’d tell me you’d become
and i came over to you
tried to sit next to you
but your love started wrapping around me
tightening across the cords
i stood again
paced the room
and you were silent
didn’t need a rush into the breaking of your heart
and i tried to get my thoughts together
but nothing was rational
because there was no gentle way to break someone’s heart
and i couldn’t say sorry to you
because it was relief for me
so i questioned how to say sorry for what feels like pieces of me forming back together
for weights to crush completely
i stopped
stopped trying to get my thoughts together
because there was too much to say
i didn’t try to sit next to you
wrap you into my arms
hold your chin in my hands
or kiss your tears away
because i had tears of my own
i didn’t try to sit next to you
because i needed to stand with me
instead i opened my mouth and told you
told you that piecing you together was painful
that before the cuts could heal
my fingers were sliced opened again
told you that piecing you together was painful
because you never understood
told you that being there for you was so easy for me
until i was kneeling on my own
head bent and forcing a prayer
that being there for you was so easy for me
until my knees were bleeding and not a shard of glass scratched the surface of your skin
told you that not breathing hurt
that my throat was cracked from all the reminders that you couldn’t hold on to
told you that as much as i loved you
my love would never be enough
because you still felt like no one loved you
i told you how i was afraid for you
because i had to leave
and you would feel what true loneliness felt like
that it wasn’t just darkness crawling across your skin
but worry etching into the creases and ache into the blood
that it was a heartbeat so slow you had to question if it was still there
and tears that formed but never flowed down your face
that it was emptiness flooding any minuscule feeling of euphoria
and numbness washing over your mind
so i cried for you
put my hands together
looked into the ceiling for answers i wished were there for you
because i could no longer show you how to love yourself when it felt like love was being pulled from me
and then i looked down at you
watched how your face reflected my pain doubled and i cried for you
i cried for us
because i wanted so bad for this to work
and then i paced the room
thought about you and me
thought about what this day would mean
and thought better of it
because
no
you deserved for your heart to be ripped to shreds
broken into a thousand pieces of glittering glass
clawed out with my nails as i tried to keep myself from falling
you deserved for your heart to be soaked with my tears
and drowning in yours
because somewhere in the middle
i loved you more than anything
and maybe that was my fault
but you toyed with my feelings
and forgot that a relationship was two people
somewhere in the middle
you mattered more than us
and you forgot
and forgot
and forgot
and
you forgot
and i was still there
so you deserved to have your heart burning
and beating with less passion
for your heart to burn to a crisp and blow like ashes in the wind for you to choke on
because your love was dangerous
and the amount i returned nearly killed me
your poor heart deserved rocks thrown at it just to miss at the last second
because somewhere in the middle
i was sure you stopped loving me
and you left me
to figure out why…

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s